This weekend I saw a bunch of old family videos and pictures and (not to sound like the most self-involved, vain human EVER) I kept saying: “oh my god… wow, I was so beautiful … huh look at me laughing…. I was so pretty and young….”
To which my family kept saying… “uhhhh….duh… like ok Irina, what the heck is the big deal… did you not know?”
You guys.
I. HAD. NO. IDEA.
It broke my heart.
I remember putting on a certain dress or outfit and tormenting myself over a fat roll or a jiggly arm. Crying at the size of my wedding dress… THE SHAME OF DOUBLE DIGITS. *insert eye roll*
I remember looking in the mirror and feeling SO disappointed… Doing mental checks to not laugh too hard because I hated that my gums would show. Someone in school once told me my mouth was too big for my face. And I carried that close to my heart. The list of thing I could not change.
Oh god it makes me cry just thinking about that beautiful, unhappy girl that I was.
What a fucking waste of precious time on this earth…. I hate that I didn’t listen to my mom who told me again and again that I was beautiful. (I begged her to stop and she absolutely refused, bless her kind wonderful heart for seeing me better than I could see myself) That I ignored boys who were nice to me, because I decided for them that I was not worthy of them.
I hate that I had convinced myself I was unloveable and threw myself into anyone (deserving or not) who would show the slightest interest in me. “Friends” who talked behind my back, while I loved them like a damn fool. I hate that I pulled on my clothes, stretched them out to cover me. I held my arms in my lap to keep them from narrating stories with the flair of my latin blooded temper. I took small steps to not seem too eager, I cut, straightened and colored my hair to disappear. To be invisible. To blend in.
What a sad, sad way to live.
BUT, 20-some years later I learned my big sassy fiery mouth fits just fine on this face of mine, that I can finish college, pay off all my debt, have a baby, get married, then divorced, build a successful business, buy my own house AND be fat at the same time. WHADDA YA KNOW. Turns out jiggly things and stretch marks have Jack-shit to do with your worth or value. WHO KNEW!
To me, the female empowerment movement is not just a trend, it’s a frickin’ revolution! It’s given my career purpose and drive, because I TRULY believe photography has the power to capture the beauty and essence of each woman I photograph (including myself as you can see in these selfies…)
I see it in my clients’ eyes when I show them the back of my camera and they blurt out “BUT…that’s GORGEOUS! Is that really me?!” I see it in how my clients walk out of my studio a little taller, a little more confident, a little happier. I see it in the dreams my clients chase, the businesses they build, the goals they reach with their newfound appreciation for their worth.
Loving yourself is not a trend. In a world that seems set out to break you down, loving who you are right now is pure revolutionary defiance. And sister, I am HERE FOR THAT.
I love you! So well said. It’s a revolution and I am so blessed to be part of it and riding along side you! ❤️
Great post, thanks for sharing. When I was your age I had a similar experience, except I must not have listened because I was recently looking at photos of myself at 40, and I was in disbelief of how young, thin, & pretty I looked-yet remembered the self-hatred at the time. I’m determined to overcome that mindset this decade! Keep being you! We all love you!
*tear*tear*tear* Wow you should be very proud. My story in a nutshell, I was (and still think I am) overweight I was pushing 280+. I got very ill and lost a lot of weight now I am 140 I feel worse than I did when I was heavy. It’s hard to change behaviors that I have had forever. You inspire me.THANK-YOU!!