Something set off my insecurities recently and immediately my mind started playing the usual soundtrack:
“I’m difficult. It’s hard to love me. I have to earn love. I have to be funny. I have to be good. I have to be a martyr. And I can only feel the warmth of other people’s love if I’m being praised. The second the spotlight moves from me, I no longer feel worthy.”
In a moment of anger my father once said “Irina isn’t motivated unless you praise her the entire time.” I remember thinking surely he’s wrong.
But in spite of a mom who loves me unconditionally- even when I’m being a moody monster, a child who worships the ground I walk on, In spite of a partner that found his way back to me even thru a divorce, sometimes…
I.
STILL.
FEEL.
UNWORTHY.
Like I’m only good if someone says “yup Irina is good”.
It makes me sad. And ashamed, because I’m friggin 36 years old. And logically that’s messed up. I know it’s not true.
So I made this art today. And I loved making it. And I felt myself swell with pride that I could bring my vision to life. Just by myself.
(With a sick kid around the house, no less)
So in case you need this reminder too, here are the soothing magical words of Mary Oliver:
“You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.”
If you’re interested in BTS and my process of creating this portrait series: CLICK HERE
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