Mother-daughter trips and the guilt we carry

Let me tell you a story.

This past weekend, I took the love of my life, my daughter to the ocean, with stars in my eyes, excitement to spend one-on-one time with her and visions of us laughing and bonding like a migraine medication commercial.

And then…… it sucked.

JUST TYPING THAT HURTS MY BRAIN.

But it’s the truth and dammit for as long as I live, I only want to speak the truth.

IT SUCKED, you guys. JUST SUCKED.

I tried to be patient and calm, to not get strict with her, to be generous with my time, stay off my phone…. but mostly it felt like a self imposed punishment. Before I know it I was giving her a lecture for whining over a cheap toy she couldn’t live without buying. Or I’d get snappy over the smallest thing. Or she’d ask me to spend yet ANOTHER hour in the pool playing mermaid, and I’d grit my teeth and give in. FILLED with resentment.

I couldn’t understand what my problem was! What happened to my dreamy mother-daughter plans? Why couldn’t I snap out of my crappy attitude?!

No one ever talks about this. No one warns you that motherhood can be SO boring at times, that you might not enjoy playing pretend, or sitting on the ground building legos with them for hours on end…. no one says “hey, that s*** is mind numbing and you’ll want to pull your hair out”. And so you feel CRAZY, cause clearly you’re the only one in the world feeling this way. And you’re the worst mom EVER.

I was equal parts disappointed in myself and also resentful that I was spending precious time doing stuff that wasn’t bringing me any joy. All while thinking these things SHOULD bring me joy.

Then I came home and immediately called my girl-gang (yes I have a girl gang) and unraveled. I just word-vomited everything, I didn’t understand why I felt that way, what kind of mom feels that way, why did I give her so much, only to feel guilty that it STILL wasn’t enough…. Seriously, you guys, UNRAVELING VERBAL VOMIT. (she paints quite the picture, doesn’t she….)

And then my girlfriend, sister of my soul, wise woman of my heart, Barbie Haven (personal wellness and fitness coach, Desired Lives) asked me a simple question: “Irina, if you didn’t want to do all those things, why didn’t you SPEAK UP?”

“Because I feel bad” I said. “In the last few years I’ve put her thru so much with our divorce… I just wanted her to be spoiled and feel loved even if it means I do things I don’t always enjoy….”

“Ohhhhhhhhhh,” Barbie says. “You led with guilt.”

GODDAM MOTHER-FRICKIN GUILT. THE WORST OF ALL GREMLINS.

I took a moment to absorb this information and suddenly understanding and shame flooded my brain. Of course. I was tired and wanted to rest, but instead of resting, I bit my tongue and pretended like everything was fine. When I wanted to do something else, I stayed quiet. When I was frustrated, I blamed it on superficial things. And just as I’m about to spiral down a hole of shame, of “you should know better”, “you messed up”, “you’re a bad mom”… my girlfriends sweep in and say:

HEY! Don’t you dare be hard on yourself. You’re human, you’re a mom – you’re gonna have good days and bad days. Don’t you dare carry that shit into tomorrow. Be kind to yourself. Now you know better, so just do better.

And then, as if by divine intervention, the universe also decides to speak up, because not a minute later, I see a video of the RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED Cleo Wade, who says “Self forgiveness is about learning to forgive yourself for the decisions you made while you were still learning.”

AND BOOM. That’s when I realized, hey, this is the first time being on this planet, being human…. being a mom, first time living my life. In the grand scheme of the entire frickin’ universe, I’m a baby, learning to walk…. I’m flawed, I make mistakes. But dammit, I can learn and then, god willing, I can do better too.

I went to Dani immediately and we had a LOVELY conversation about how we were both feeling, how I didn’t do a good enough job of saying how I felt, how I shouldn’t have been so tense and just used my words. She said, and it kills me to type this, “I knew something was making you sad, but I didn’t know why”. It was an amazing opportunity for us to talk about why it’s SO important to express how we feel in a healthy, real, safe way.

Make no mistake, it was not easy. Admitting you were wrong (ESPECIALLY SINCE HELLO I’M A TAURUS WE’RE NEVER WRONG AHEHMMMMMMM) to your child takes A LOT. Owning up for your own shit IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.

And so cuddled under our blanket at the end of a long weekend, talking about our feelings, I felt we shared something much more beautiful than any fantasy dreams or visions I ever had about mothers and daughters. We had TRUTH between us. And it was glorious.

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